Noone is a classic Loch, boasting the ruins of an obscure 13th century castle nobody is entirely sure about. Noone is called ’Noone’ because no-one lives there. No-one wanted to break ground there and spoil its natural beauty. The town sign does state that it has a population of 1, which would be Malcolm Penlett, director of the local visitor bureau, which takes the form of a really obnoxious-looking, brightly illuminated, neon glowing grilled cheese truck*, which is permanently located, parked atop Sorrey Glen, overlooking directly from the pike at Corden’s Shitter.
From here, Penlett sells his personalized Loch Noone Grilled Cheese sandwiches (9A-3P***), souvenir pens, snow-globes, t-shirts and hoodies, caps, kilts, reclaimed and/or rebranded flotation airseats and other Loch souvenirs, including Penlett’s Jarred Kelp Chutney, and personally signed, numbered lithographs of selfies he’s taken with the lake monster over the years. Nobody knows exactly where the bread or cheese come from.
Famously, Loch Noone features only one cryptid, aka ‘Noone’, and little Else**.
*Admittedly, it’s much nicer munching on a burning hot grilled cheese sandwich while overlooking a chilling black lake hoping to get a sighting of a cryptid you never heard of, than that 8-day old pot of yogurt you packed in the car, just admit it.
** Little Else, who stands in her stocking feet at 4 foot 2, has co-run the concession since 1995 and fills in whenever Malcolm needs to drop the kids off at the Loch.
*** When asked why he closes up the grill at 3PM so early, he usually replies it’s because that’s the time when they run out of bread. When asked why they don’t buy enough bread to make it till 5:30 pm, he tends to get a bit belligerent, so basically don’t ask.